ALF. Season 1, episode 3 (uncut version)

ALF: Your eyelids are growing heavy.	grow = become
You are getting sleepy.
You are no longer a cat.
You are a bagel.	bagel = a type of bread that is small and round with a hole in the middle
- What are you doing?
- Hey, you scared me.
- You ought to wear a bell.	Cows and other farm animals usually wear bells.
- What's going on here?
Um, I was... I was just teaching Lucky
how to tell time.
Show Willie what you've learned.
You were hypnotizing him,
weren't you?
Okay, you caught us.
I'm trying to help Lucky
beat his smoking problem.
All right, it looks like it's once again time
to restate the rules of the household.
Rule number one,
we do not eat members of the family.
Willie, Willie, Willie.
Lucky and I were just kidding around.	kid around = to behave in a silly way
Look, I gotta go pick up Kate
and the kids.
Now, while I'm gone,
I'd like you to refrain from kidding Lucky.
No problem.
I'd also like you to refrain from	refrain from doing smth = to stop yourself from doing something. This word is often used in official announcements or signs: Please refrain from smoking in this area.
playing with priceless family heirlooms.	heirloom = a valuable or special possession that has belonged to a family for many years
- It's broken.
- Lucky fell on it.
You know, it's not always true
that they land on their feet.
Lucky.
Lucky, don't listen to him.
Don't listen to him.
You're not a bagel.
You're not a bagel.
But you are getting sleepy.
Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha.
[BOB SEGER'S "OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[MOUTHING TO MUSIC]
[RADIO CLICKS]
- Maybe we should have called first.
- Well, I had the music pretty loud.
I probably wouldn't have
heard the phone.
Uh, I was planning to have the place
spotless by the time you got back.
When did you expect us back, in April?
When I left,
you said you were going to behave.
But this is not behaving.
This is mass destruction.
I don't know what happened.
I was sitting here doing
better than my best.
I decided I'd make myself
a little snack.
The rest is a blur.	blur = something such as a thought or memory that is not very clear in your mind: I remember a big house, but the rest of it is just a blur.
How can one alien be so irresponsible?
I wasn't irresponsible, I was hungry.
- Did you eat everything in the house?
- No.
I don't think so.
Oh, wait a minute, here's something.
- Who wants a cookie?
- I do.
I'll split it with you.	split = divide, break, share
Brian, why don't you go feed Lucky?
I hope there's some food left.
You didn't eat all the cat food too,
did you?
No way. I draw the line at	draw the line at = to say that you will definitely not allow or accept something
intestinal byproducts.	intestines = the long tubes in your body that process food and carry waste out of your body byproduct = a product that is made as a result of making another product
How can you eat so much?
I've been blessed with multiple stomachs.	be blessed with = to have something very good or special: They were blessed with three lovely children.
I don't understand why you don't gain any weight.
It's all in the way you combine your foods.
Really? That's interesting.
Yeah, Merv did a show on it.
I have a tape here somewhere.
I don't believe this.
Merv says it works.
Of course, have you seen Merv lately?
All right, forget Merv.
We're not talking about Merv.
No more Merv.
Fine. He's off the air anyway.	off the air = no longer broadcasting on radio or television: After just three episodes the series was taken off the air.
Let's talk a little about how much food costs.
Yeah. Hey, Kate, you know, you could
save a fortune	fortune = a lot of money
by clipping coupons.	coupon = a piece of paper that allows you to buy something at a reduced price: This coupon gives £2 off the price of a meal.
on Mer... The fat guy's show.
Coupon clipping is not a good idea.
I shouldn't be allowed to hold scissors.	scissors
Am I being overly sensitive,
or is there tension in this room?
Alf, let's get this place cleaned up.
I'll give you a hand.	I'll give you a hand = I will help you.
Can we hold off on that a second?	hold off on smth = to delay doing smth
I feel a burp coming up.	burp = to make a noise when air from your stomach passes out through your mouth
Oh, goody.	goody = used for saying that you are happy or excited about something. This word is used mainly by children or when speaking to children.
While we're waiting,
would you take off my shirt?
Sure.
- No, not... The one you're wearing.
- Right.
- I can't find Lucky.
- Oh, he's around somewhere.
- I looked all over.
- I wonder where Lucky is.
- Do you know, Alf?
- Hold it.
[BELCHES]
No.
I'll look around some more.
Brian, see if Lucky's in the hamper.	hamper = a laundry basket (American English)
He likes rolling around in dirty laundry.
Who doesn't?
- Alf, do you know where Lucky is?
- You know Lucky. He's a free spirit.	free spirit = someone who lives life the way that they want to and does not care about rules or customs
Last time I saw him,
he was high-tailing it out of the window.	hightail = to go somewhere fast or in an urgent way
- And what were you doing?
- I was chasing him with a fork.
[LAUGHS]
Just kidding.
On Melmac, a cat-fork joke
is a classic.
It's right up there with seltzer bottles	seltzer water = soda water
and whoopee cushions.	a whoopee cushion is a rubber cushion that makes a sound like a fart when someone sits on it.
No wonder vaudeville is dead.
Alf, the last time I saw Lucky,
you were teaching him to tell time.
- What are you getting at?	What are you getting at? = What do you want to say? get at smth means imply (something): I can see what you’re getting at.
- Yeah, what does "tell time" mean?
It means hypnotizing the cat
into thinking he's a bagel.
Oh.
Oh, you mean,
you think Alf might have...
- Might have eaten...
- Alf, you didn't?
Hey, hey, hey.
We're treading on some pretty serious ground here.	tread on [serious/dangerous/etc] ground = to do something that is likely to cause a problem or upset some people tread means walk
These unjust accusations
have litigation written all over them.	litigate = use of the legal system to settle a disagreement; go to court
I know my rights.
I watch People's Court.
Alf, did you eat Lucky or not?
Willie, I know the rules.
We don't eat members of our family.
- We don't eat members of any family.
- Well, which is it?
I can't find Lucky anywhere.
Well, maybe he got sucked into a parallel dimension.
I've seen that happen before.
I don't think so.
Oh, so I guess there's only
one other explanation.
The alien must have eaten him.
Well, I didn't. Smell my breath.
There's no Lucky on it.
Ah, ah.
That's the only thing that's not on it.
Alf wouldn't eat Lucky.
Would you?
I'm not saying anything
until I talk to my attorney.	attorney = lawyer
Now look, maybe we're rushing into judgment here.	rush into judgment = make decisions too quickly
Maybe Lucky just went for a walk.
I'm sure he'll turn up.
[COUGHING]
It's a fur ball.
- Lucky?
- Don't look.
Hey, this isn't Lucky.
I was licking some Jell-O off my arms,	Jell-O = a type of gelatin dessert
and I swallowed hair.
Come on, guys,
it's me you're talking to, Alf.
I haven't eaten a cat
since I left Melmac.
[BRIAN CRYING]
Brian.
Lucky was my best friend.
Come on, don't cry.
Hey, what's with this family?
"innocent until proven guilty"?
Not when the accused
coughs up the victim.
Is there anyone here
who doesn't think I'm guilty?
- Well...
- Thanks, Lynn.
- Maybe you ate him by accident.
- I see.
Well, the indictment	indictment = a formal written charge of crime
has been handed down.	hand down = to say officially (usually a judge hands down the sentence)
Thank you all for your support.
Call me when you've finished
building the gallows.	gallows = a wooden frame used for killing criminals by hanging them from it with a rope around their neck
Oh, and here...
Exhibit A. Huh.
ALF:
"Dear Family."
No. Ugh.
Too friendly.
"Dear lynch mob."	lynch mob = a band of people intent on lynching someone
Yeah, much better.
"I've been accused of a crime
I did not commit.
Accused by people I thought
were my friends.
You say I am a murderer.
I say, the only thing murdered today
was justice. "
Oh, yeah, that is good.
"But, like David Janssen	David Janssen was an American film and television actor who is best known for his starring role as Dr. Richard Kimble in the television series
in The Fugitive...	The Fugitive
... I will travel the country
in a desperate attempt...
... to clear my name
by finding the one-armed man."	the one-armed man is a character in The Fugutive
That can 't be right.
"By finding Lucky.
I will search relentlessly...
... taking time out only to have
love affairs with beautiful women.
Now I must begin my journey.
Goodbye.
Yours till Niagara Falls, Alf. "	Yours till Niagara Falls is a funny way to say goodbye. Some other phrases are: Yours till the chocolate chips; Yours till the Butter Flies
Oops.
"P.S. These are teardrops."
Yeah.
Oh, great, breakfast. Thanks, Mom.
- Lynn.
- I'm sorry. I'm just so hungry.
- Me too.
- Me too.
We'd better eat fast before Alf gets to it.
- Okay, I'll have a bowl of Sugar Shocks.
- Sugar Shocks aren't good for you.
How about if I pour some nice, healthy milk on them?
How about if I pour some milk on your oatmeal?
- It's a deal.
Where is Alf this morning?
Probably too ashamed to come to breakfast.
Or too full.
I had a dream last night that Alf
came into my room and tried to eat me.
- Brian, Alf would never do that.
- Of course, he wouldn't.
You sleep with us tonight.
- You know, I almost feel sorry for Alf.
- Why?
I'm just trying to see things through his eyes.
I'm trying to understand why he ate Lucky.
I mean, Alf has different instincts than we do.
On his planet, they eat cats
the same way we eat cows.
We don't eat cows.
Where do you think hamburgers come from?
The supermarket.
I have good news. Brian, go get Alf.
- I want you to look at something.
KATE: What?
I've analyzed the composition of the fur ball...
...and I've compared it to the clump of hair...
Clump of Alf's hair.
- That I found in the ice cream.
Now, the composition of the fur ball
is the same as the hair in the ice cream.
Do you know what that means?
- It means breakfast is over.
- No, it means Alf is innocent.
So we were wrong,
we accused him unjustly?
We should've believed him.
WILLIE: Where's Alf?
- I don't know, but I found this note.
- What does it say?
- Um...
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
So I'll skip the part about David Janssen.
It says he didn't eat Lucky.
Poor Alf.
It says he's gone off to find Lucky
and to prove his innocence.
And his manhood.	manhood = typical or traditional male qualities, especially those that men are proud of
This letter even has teardrops.
Grape-colored teardrops.
He must feel so betrayed.
I'm gonna go find him.
I'm going too.
I'm coming with you.
Me too.
Alf is all alone out there.
I'm really worried about him.
He doesn't know about
crossing on the green and not in between.	“Cross on the green and not in between!” Children are taught to cross the road on pedestrian crossings only, when the traffic light is green.
That's right.
- Where are we gonna look?
- I don't know.
- He could be anywhere.
Yeah.
You know, we really should have
watched more episodes of The Fugitive.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
So, uh,?	to be in for smth = to be going to do smth
Okay, be that way.
Just tell me one thing.
That, uh... That sign over there.
Does "neutered"	neuter = to perform an operation on an animal’s sexual organs so that it cannot have babies
mean what I think it does?
[DOG BARKING]
I guess it does.
Oh, God. Anybody have a coat hanger?
I'll show you how to get out of this dump.	dump = a place or building that is dirty or unpleasant
Here we go, boy.
Ixnay on the anger-hay.	Ixnay! = an interjection meaning “no” “don’t!”
I think the screw's coming.	screw = a prison warder. This word is used especially by prisoners.
Oh, my gosh, he's got a horse.
Okay, who wants a roommate, huh?
[GULPS]
Here's an empty one. There you go.
Phew.
What are you doing
without your jockey?
Just kidding, just kidding.
Gee, this whole planet's uptight.	uptight = nervous
Come on, guys, let's loosen up.	loosen up = relax
[SINGING "ON WISCONSIN"]
Jump in when you're ready.
Lets' go. Come on.
[BARKING]
Hey, hey, hey. Cool it down in here.
There you go.
- Lucky.
- Huh?
[GRUNTING]
Psst. Hey. Hey, Trigger. Act cool, listen.	Trigger = Trigger was the name of a horse owned by Roy Rogers, a famous American cowboy star who starred in many films and TV shows.
You seem like a sweetheart.
I'm gonna let you
break out of here with me tonight.	break out = escape from a prison
Yeah. Here's the plan.
We wait until it gets dark.
Then me, you and that cat over there
are gonna make a run for it. All right?	make a run for it = to suddenly start running because you want to escape
Look, all you have to do
is gnaw through this wire mesh.	gnaw = keep biting smth wire mesh
Got that?
Good. Ixnay, ixnay. Okay.
Well, there they are. Take your pick.	Take your pick = choose what you like
- It smells terrible in here.
- Oh, you get used to it.	get used to smth = get accustomed to smth
Some of us wouldn't want to.
Come on, Heidi, pick a nice cat...
...and then we'll go.
- I can't be rushed.
- Well, what kind of cat is that?
- Oh, I don't know.
I don't know too much about
these things. I only work here part-time.
I'm an actor.
My dad's a producer,
and he says all actors are idiots.
[CHUCKLING]
Well, he's right.
- Very nice to meet you, sir.
- Yeah.
What is that monstrosity?	monstrosity = a terrible creature
That's a dog, I think.
Well, gas it. No one's gonna want it.	gas it = kill it using lethal gas; put it to sleep
[GROWLS]
May I show you something in a tabby?	tabby = a gray or brownish cat with dark stripes
Now, this cat and I
were in a commercial together once.
His face, my voice. Maybe you saw it.
Oh, boy, Salmon Chips.
They're perfect.
I don't think so.
I don't like any of these cats.
I want one that costs a lot of money.
Come on, Heidi,
I'm sure you can find something.
Oh, all right. I guess that cat there
doesn't look too gross.	gross = unpleasant, unattractive
Oh, good. Nice choice, nice choice.
Just came in a little while ago.
Okay.
There you go.	There you go = a phrase used when you are giving someone something that they have asked for or that they have just bought: ‘Can I have another slice?’ ‘There you go.’
- What you gonna name him?
- What's your name?
- Keith.
- Not Keith. Let's go, Dad.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, Listen. Listen,
I'm in a small workshop production...
...of Extremities this weekend.
If you're in the neighborhood,
I'm the one in the fireplace.
Looks like it's now or never.
Hey, hey, hey. Hold it down!	hold smth down = to limit the amount or level of something here it means “Be quiet!”
I'm auditioning here.
[DOGS BARKING]
- Did you hear what I said?
HEIDl: Be quiet. You're scaring Damien.	Damien Thorn is a fictional character in the horror film Omen. He is the Antichrist and the son of the Devil.
All right, all right. That's it.
[DISH BANGS AND MAN GRUNTS]
HEIDl:
Dad, that dog took my cat. Stop him.
[KEYS JANGLING]
They're here, Lucky. I just can't wait
to see their faces when they see you.
Alf, you're back!
- Thank goodness.
- We've been looking all over for you.
Uh... Before you say another word,
may I present to you exhibit B?
Well, I guess this case is closed.
- It's a cat.
- It's not just any cat. It's Lucky.
How soon they forget.
Uh, Alf, I think
you've made a mistake.
- Alf.
- Lucky?
Yeah, it's Lucky.
You know, it's a funny thing.
He was in Mrs. Ochmonek's basement the whole time.
Well, don't we feel foolish.
Now we have two cats.
No problem.
You're getting sleepy.
- Alf.
ALF: Just kidding.
There you go, Luckheimer. Ooh, yeah.
Heh, heh.
Who'd ever thought
we'd see the day...
...when they'd trust me to feed you, huh?
Ha, ha.
Yeah. Right now,
I'm in the catbird seat, so to speak.	catbird seat = in a superior position
Right now, I can get away with murder, so to speak.	get away with murder = succeed in doing whatever one chooses without being punished or suffering any disadvantage
Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there...
...grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread...
...a little mayo and slap together a BLT.
Bacon, Lucky and tomato.
Yeah, yeah, I could do that.
And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer.	have the nerve to do smth = be brave enough to do smth
Nope. They'd probably blame Willie
before they'd blame me. Mm-hm.
Yep, I could do that.
But I won't.
And why is that?
Because they trust me.
But don't get too comfortable.	Don't get too comfortable! = Don’t relax, stay alert!